How to Write Personal, Heartfelt Wedding Vows, According to an Expert

Have you decided to write your own wedding vows, but feel unsure of where to start? We understand: Summing up your love in a few brief minutes is a daunting task, but it's well worth it. Penning your own exchange not only gives your guests a unique glimpse into your relationship, but it's also the perfect time to share your future dreams and lifelong promises with your partner. If this sounds like a task you're up to, know that you don't have to go it alone. We tapped Tanya Pushkine, vow writing expert and the creative behind The Vow Whisperer, to offer her insight into writing personal vows. 

While there's no one template for penning your own promises, there are a few pointers that will help you craft them. Whether you are searching for phrasing inspiration or formatting examples, or have specific questions—like how long the exchange should be—we cover it all on the slides ahead. Ultimately, vow structure is entirely up to you; that's the beauty of a personalized oath. Still, most couples appreciate some guidance, which can help give shape to any and all ideas.

Before you take the plunge, remember this: Wedding vows are a concrete symbol of your union and commitment. The promises you make to one another on your big day will set the tone for your entire marriage. While they certainly give guests insight into your special bond, they are primarily for you and your partner alone. That's why we recommend catering them to each other. Whether you decide to infuse your vows with jokes or pull quotes from your favorite poem, you should do what feels best and most natural to you, your future spouse, and your relationship. With that in mind, you simply can't go wrong.

Before the writing process begins, it's important to put some thought into your vows before you put pen to paper. First determine how you want to organize them. Is there anything you know you want to include? According to wedding vow coach Tanya Pushkine of The Vow Whisperer, this process should begin about six months before your wedding.

Your first draft doesn't need to be perfect. Instead, Pushkine recommends starting a working document that you can keep coming back to as you think of more memories and experiences to add (or remove). "Start with a blank sheet of paper and try to dig deep into your memories. Think about your amazing experiences, your obstacles—yes, they count, too—how you met, and more," she says. Pushkine added that this exercise should be treated as a huge brainstorm of ideas. 

Pushkine notes that many couples ask their officiant to take a look at their final vows for feedback ahead of the ceremony. Beyond providing guidance, your officiant can also help coordinate the exchange and make sure all your bases are covered. For instance, is this person going to cue major moments, like the ring exchange, or is that something you and your partner will handle? Looping them into these conversations ahead of time will deliver a better result during your service.

While it may seem tempting to share your vows with your significant other, Pushkine says she always encourages duos to write them separately. "I very strongly encourage everyone to keep them top secret—never, ever discuss them," she says. "Let it be a wonderful surprise." She does, however, recommend conferring with your partner on length, as well as the overall feel of your exchange. How much humor will you include? How serious will you be?

As you're brainstorming, look inward. "Inspiration comes from the heart," Pushkine says. To dig up what already exists within, it helps to ask yourself a few questions. Consider why you want to marry this person, why you love them so much, how they've made you a better person, and how you see your future. Also, be realistic—consider what you can truly promise this person for the rest of your life together. 

Writer's block happens, but don't let it discourage you from writing your vows altogether. If you find yourself in a rut, Pushkine says to take "a nice long walk, listen to your favorite music, cook a meal, and then come back in a few days and give it another go."

Who says you have to stick to your own prose? Get creative when it comes to formatting your exchange and choose something that works for you and your relationship. "If there is a beautiful piece of literature or a poem, why not read it?" Pushkine notes. However, she does recommend writing most of your words out in sentences and including a poem if that is something you want to do. 

It's easy to talk about the love the two of you share for hours. But it's important to remember that vows are just one part of the ceremony. Although you may start with a bunch of ideas and memories during your brainstorming session, you should whittle them down before your big day. When it comes time to read your vows, they should clock in under five minutes, Pushkine says.  

We get it—you want to make eye contact with your partner throughout the entire ceremony, but when you are writing your own vows, this may not be an option. Pushkine encourages couples not to memorize their oaths. Instead, she says to get to know the words so well that you can make eye contact, noting that you should finish a sentence and then look up at your soon-to-be spouse. 

Just because you don't need to memorize your exchange doesn't mean you shouldn't practice. "The more you practice, the better you'll be," Pushkine says. "You could write the most beautiful words, but if you haven't practiced, you'll lose everyone." She also adds that you should practice speaking the words out loud, which helps you get used to how you'll actually say them on your big day. 

It can be intimidating to start the writing process, but once you do, the fond memories will begin flowing. With that said, Pushkine urges couples to give themselves as much time as possible to write. "Rushing your vows is never a good idea," she says.